


In Vino Veritas

by Darkrivertempest



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Drunkenness, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Humor, Multi, Multiple Pairings, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-30 01:09:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1012222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkrivertempest/pseuds/Darkrivertempest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yes, in wine, there is truth. </p><p>A series of highly questionable one-shots featuring multiple pairings and very bad spelling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Winter

**Author's Note:**

> **PLEASE READ!**
> 
> I'm following the example of fellow author, Unseen1969, and posting my offerings from the LJ community, Firewhiskeyfic. The idea and point of this community is to write a piece of fiction while drunk. Drunk \- as in I really didn't have a freaking clue as to what I was writing. I was just typing. No corrections were allowed and no beta. If you choose to read and review, I thank you ahead of time. 
> 
> However...
> 
> **DO NOT SEND ME A REVIEW THAT CLEARLY SHOWS YOU DIDN'T READ THIS DISCLAIMER.**
> 
> The stories are meant to be (to put it bluntly) fucked up, as I was on the designated nights. Each chapter will be a different pairing/story - all of them will contain questionable material. All of them are questionable period. But, if you need a laugh (as most people do, nowadays), hopefully you'll find that here. JK Rowling owns the characters and all that goes with them. I own the horrid plots and inebriated crap.

**Title:** Harry's Cold  
 **I am of legal drinking age in my region: in my region:** Twice over, the bastards  
 **Pairing(s)/Characters:** Snape/Harry  
 **Challenge:** Winter!  
 **Summary:** Harry has a cold. it went downehill tfrom there.  
 **Rating/Warnings:** pg-13  
 **Word count:** wordrfs says 747 - like thet fucking HUGE airbuse.  
 **Author's Notes:** I don't even know what happened.

 

It was cold.

That’s all you need to know.

well, you’ll need to know more, but I’m not telling you rightnow.

and because ist was cold, Harry/s nose was runnig. Not the snooty kind, that sounds grose when you sntort, but the kind that s’clear and dribbles just a little. gtet your mind out of the gutter withath penis imagry.

So, hew ent down to the sdungeons to get a cold remdedy from Snape, the mysterious sex god of the underworld (cause that’s what the fandom schanged him into after he became a martyr). And lets get this straigth – Lily awas a bitch. Seriously. 

I wasx gonig to go into a tangent on why I dislike her now, but that would take ups to omuch time.

So, Harry taravesersed donw the slipperey stesp to the slytherin dungeon. say that five times fsast. I did and sprained my tongue. heE wanted a potion that ewould end his miseries. Not those kind of miseries, the snotty nose kind. it was winter and Harry was the only gryffindor left in the whole of hargwarts after the school kids when home for the hols.. It was after the war, so there were lots of orphans. That has nothing to do with this story. It was just oen o fhtose things you should know at this point in the story. Well, maybe it does have to do iwth this story, but not now.

Eventually I got Harry down to the fucking dugneogns, and it took 250 words to get him there. He was a little peeved with me. So was Snape, for mkaing him answer the door. Oh, yeah... Harry nocked on the door. My spellin is shit at this point. Forgetaboutit. 

“What do you want, Pooter?” Potter. Harry glarred at me for that mistake about his name, but I can’t change sit because that would be like autocorrected and I’m just typing a sttream of conscience at this point. There’s lots of points, evemutally some I’ll get to. 

“i have a cold. Do you have a potion?” Yes it was as easy as that.

“Of course I have a potion. Who do uyou think I am?”

harry looked him up and odwn with a lusty gleam. “One sexy devil?”

Snape looked at me, the author. “Really? that’s what you come up with? That is pure pbollix. What the hell is thias puerile crap?”

How this is morphing inot a converstation with Harry, Snape and me, I have no idea. Just go twith it.

“Let’s try this again, shall we.? And no reidicoutlous statements about my package.”

Sure Snape, whatever you say.

“ytpical american.”

I know. I’m a wannabe.

Okay, what the helL! back to the story.

Backed up, rewind. (those of you from the VCR days will understandthat)

“You are a potions master, Snape./ So quit being a git about it and give me some potin that will make my nose stop running.”

“Whay is is running?”

Harry pointed out the window that mysteriously appeared in the middle of the subterrainian dungeon because I put it there. “Because it’s snowing outside you wanker!” Us americans only know so many british epitaphs, its not like they are interchangable.

“You’ll want to come into my office, I suppose?”

Harry gave him a look. I don’t know what kind of look it was; maybe a ‘why the hell are you writing me as insipid and stupid?’ look. But that wouldn’t go over well with snapw, so he just nodded. He followed the billoweing caped waizard into his potions lab and waiting by the expeiriement table.

There wrere all kinds of bubbly potions and chemickasl and gurlgling shit that freaking harry out as he sttood there. Snape poured this green goop intoa beaker (BEAKER FROM THE MUPPETS! MEEP MEEP) and it started frothign an dfoamy like a rabid dog. 

“FDrink this.”

Harry looked like he would blow chunks.” That is not a bullshitism, I sknow. “I’m not drinkintg that, it looks foggy.”

“what sdoes the whispes of steams fcoming from the glass have to dow tih how it works?” Snape snapped? (and yes, I picture him snapping his fingers, getting down wit hs his bad self).

“I’ll probably dturne into a newt.”

“Not that’s your test, not what I woudl turn you into.  
“

Reaally auhtor? What the hell is your probalem? Other thean thte fact you can’t tyhpe at this point? Oh fuck it.

Snape and Harry fucked on the poitoins table.

The end.


	2. Ltost of puupies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snape/Lupin. The challenge was 'dog days of summer'. In my inebriated state, I took that challenge literally. **Explicit.** Lots of alcohol here. It was August of 2011 - I blame the heat wave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought I was soused while reading the previous story, you ain't seen nothing yet. I wish I could regret this, but I can't remember how I got to the end... or the beginning. Or the whole damn thing. Shame - I have lots of it for this one.

**Title:** losts of puppies  
 **I am of legal drinking age in my region: in my region:** hell yes. twiec over lamost  
 **Pairing(s)/Characters:** Snopwe/lUpin  
 **Challenge:** Dog dadsy of Summer  
 **Summary:** LUpin wants puppies  
 **Rating/Warnings:** Probably ntoe of thte faint of heart. R that shit,. Uhm.... drunk writing and mesn hassing bits stuckin each other/  
 **Word count:** 912 word says so.  
 **Author's Notes:** my god, wheta did ai write?

 

Boolix it was hot.

Damn hot.

Abuts so was Lupinas. Stope that damn autop correct! GRRRR.

Snapeas *(theres i sfixwed the atuo correct) see. 

Snape love d to look at aerlUpin, dspecialfay his arsse. IT was pert and stuck aout at the rerignrt angel. agngel. ange. DAMNI T angel. *dhaed desk* ANGEL. Angle. tehre. Mmmm, lupin arese. That’s what you thoguth... I mean, that’s what snape thought.

but istw was hto. especially in the ghighlands. he yodelled. he weas sitting ihin his long sgrey shirt (why is is long and greay> why enot longa black and sitlky? oh well. but wanyway. statring at the fire. Why is athere a fire if tist so hot? It;s the HIGHELANDs. but I digreesss. so he was wssitting and thisnking, snape that is, about how luscius lUpins ares was. 

he’d like sot shage hijmd doggy style. oh yeah, baby. this is all litterearyllsopelle’s fault. thinking goddy style. eewwww, i spilledm y sdrink and now ethe keysa are all sticky. gross.

so, back to snape watning to shage lupin doggy style. Caouse you know, it’s gotta be DOG in there. he wsondered if the sexchantge of bodily fluids would make be a waere too. Mayhbe he could make an army of were cows? ewww sex with cows. wellunless you’re a cow, that weould be so very gross.

The objesct o his fantasties was knockon on his oppen door. “Severrrus?” he bowed his head and came hin univeited. like that song by alainzse morressette. YOU’RE UNIVEITED LUPIN! oh well. 

What wdo you want?” Snape looked him up and donw, solbbering because lUpin looked like a doggy treate to him. “I’ve tgot better thiangs to do with amdy time.”

:”LIke what? Stater and brood at the fire? Why do you ahve a fire? it’s like 103 degrees!:”  
“did you know if you slookke at stippling on the celiing, it look slike aflower of penieses?”

“I lkike the fire, you bloody fool! iit warmans my cold heart!~”

“Beust Setrverus, i can see you sweating...” Lupin knneled down next to sNape and started caressing his thigh. “I would love to lick it up.”

Snapes eyes widened and hes breathing went all funny. “wHATARE YOU SAYING LUPIN? “goddamn caplock!

“I’m saying I whatna to make beatuiful puppies togethere, Severusers. HOw agbout oyou?”

“You want puuppies? With me? They’d be hell hounds for sure, Lupin. “

Remsues speradad Snapes’ legs wides and nuzselsed his nose in Snapes’ crothch. “Tahta’s okay, I ‘ll control them.”

 

Snmape’s weyes rolled hint he back oed fhis head. Lupins’ noes was doing just tehsx right thing and his hots breath wtiht trhough his trousers. “oh yes, L:upin... right there.”

On as sdie note, idd you know thta it wouls be impossinle to make were-gods? I mean, the sceinticdfic possibilites would be alike, ikmpossible, you know? tHE POSSIBLE DGODDAMN CAPS! The ppossiblitiely is like very imporrbable. Think Jucniour – would you really waetnt da terminartor having yoru skids? Disdne’t think so. hees’ already ahsd too god damn many.

SO, luopin wanted to impregnant sNwpawe with his puuooopeies., Wouldn’t they be cute? but gootat get them insdie first.

 

Onepning the palcket on his trouserser snake. Lupconi unzipped the xip and pulle dout the hugest cokcee ever since since he tok his in hand. Mmm, he hummed aorund the tumescent head. shit, did I spell athst right? woooo goddies!~ licking the head he sweallowed the thick juisecy stake... erm, thed shatef shate. shatfe. shafte. sSHAT SHAFT! and nearly gagaed. 

Take it bitch!” Snaope said as he cgrabbed Lupin’s hairs and svhoeved his fac on eon his cokce.

OH yes! Snape!~ WHTAT THE HELL! What is with the littel ~ things!/? ARETGHGHGHGH! I’m ;dtrying to write a dgondamn madsterpioece here and that thing kkeeps gettimg int the way>! That things too~ sighsts.

Fuck me kmow, LIupin! Snapes cried. HE sshed his black tousrers and his balcke underweare (but i’st pants over there isnt’t it?)_ and fpregerefromed... prefromed a flube spell , waiting on Lupin to fuck hima. hole open to the twrolrd, he spread his cchekse and waiting. 

Lupins lookied lik eh was wasboaut to toss hi sml-oad right there! ASNpwae never looadked so watnont and beautifulf. “I’m sgonnga give you sol emany puppueis that you;’ll spill them whend you walke!”

(that’s just ghorrooss what the hell; am I awritning?) I don’t watn reot see SNpuin pupopies fall from sSZXnZpe‘s ass.

oh well. lining up the head o fhis penis (coz like damn, it’s HOT!) he shoved his meway in to Snape’s body. Cguess I should be calling him Severus adt athis point, shoucldn’t i? I meinae, Remsuve has his dillywakcere up Severuse ass, right? Mmmm Snpuin poron. 

OUCH! Lucbe youreself up some moreas, you idioet!” Snapwe growled. and it makde Lupin, growled too, because hey... call fo the wild and all. They totally got animal planiet with that shit. Grunitnng, mating, bting the neck, hell, it was a massive fucke fetst! ooh, wait.. Senape i s on hjis back nmot hies belloy. Lupin flipped him over and stareted amming his rod (giggles) into sznsWpe ‘s arese and slappeing his botox. T”This ihow you wsant it, Severusre? I’m gonnga come soone here!”

Snapes thrust back on eto Lupin’s haredsd cock and shotued, “NOW YOU COW!’ OKAY, WTH? DAMN CAPS. Why would het vcall him a cow? 

Anyway, Lupins gilled Snapes’ arse with a psunk a dunk and got him mpreg’s ewiths lots o’ puppiess. 

tahts;ta the ned coz i’m about to fall asleppe.


	3. Two are better than ONe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco/Hermione... erm and Snape? This one is rated between R and Donkey Show - definitely read the notes at the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm guessing the prompt was Winter Solstice, as I have no concrete idea - the community where this one was hosted (my first drunk fic EVER) was scrubbed from LJ. (sniffs) NO! I remember now - the prompt was snow angels! Again, first drunk fic EVER, so I don't have a header for it. And it features snow, because hey... the holidays!

OAKSYD I HERARd a mruoutr

Oh shit I hear a rumor! Said ePWwcw – I mean peeves.

What? Said said SnAPE IN ALL THIS shit caps, gdroa,lhe damn dglory, looking pale and trageic.

Ppeeves was flloating and said, “ The houses are gonna have a huge snowebale fight.”

klWhen”? 

Soon... like tomorrow, the summer, oofps I mean weinter solstice. I shoudler have capitlizaetd theat. 

The dstudents ddin’t think ltheir teathcer or their perfoessor s were privvy to lkthe snowball fight amogntst all four hosues. Later on, they eteam up. 

Whell, damn italics. “Well, I will stop themddd!” Snape cried, asaying midday.

When is winter soltice? The 12st always reing true. Look that sthit up - winter soltiec, god I’m watching garry oldeman in 5th oldeman element. He’s a womanizer. Still waiting on results on winter soltice thing. Hello...? come on.... hesuch a womanizer

The 7th yearsrs, knew their last chance at a house railvalyye santicfired contest, why the fuck... god damnit, when iy the winter soltice? Gotta check something out here? Why am I not getting enough jouce thie? TAKE ME THERE! Come one now!

WTF? What/? kFinad out when winter soltice is? OH DECMEBER 21st or 33ntd in the upper nothernsphere. She’s already got the first 2 pages writtinge.d

The children were calling. They were screaming outside throwing balls of white shit at each other. OMG, that almost sounded coherent? OMG, I wrote that something sounds rithgt? OMG, I tcan’t stope saying oMG. Wathaever.

GO ME! So SnAPE WHENT shit caps, gottat pee. So Snape when donwn tothe field where there was supposed ot be a snow fabbballle balgi gifighat godhmdam FIGHYT! Fshit. So then shioudl I switch to Hemrione ‘s PVOD, heahd ball. Stupid thing keeps going italicaes.

Yes, I know, I should switch POV.d No, this wont, be like that. I’M GOINT GHTATEER. Damn CAPS. 

So, Snape whent out to the fieled where there were several snowballs were flying already in the mideay sshingy sun;. 

kHErmione was packing asnow ball to slf;l;ing at Draco, but the minute she let ig goe, \it hit Professor... damn, Heamdaster Snape in the side of the head, knocking him on the ground, flat lklklout. 

SHITE! She yelled, “It meant to hit the blonde boy overthere, you know... MALFOY!”

“Whell it din’t hit me you mufdfblood smut!” IT hist my GODFATHER! Damn caps. 

Draco looked tat eh man laying in the sjnow, spralled out lspread eagele. Space around them. 

He looks like the Vitruvian man – MOG I spelle dthat right?_ you know, DAVinci ?

“You did this this to him GRNAGER!, you did this to my head of ouse and godfather!” Malfoy screamed, rounning out in the middle fo the fight to protecte his Snape

“Mahehahahahahah, he lookes like a Slytherin snow angel,” Harry snickered (ist hat a candy barP?)kl I don;t know. 

“More like a Slythering deveil,” laughed Ron, smiling that stupid smile he always smile when he smiles. I wanna slap that off of him right now. He’s got too big a lips and his eyelsashed are so red he looks like he doesn’t hadve any. Stupid ron.

“He’s not a slSYterhin devil or angel, “Cried Draco (who was only saved because his paren ts had like a a bagillion kldollear, oops, opouds or galleons or watherver. Bless you, my child.

“Then what is he?” Sneered Harry – his sneered was just like dRacos because he’d been watching tthe bloonde, likeing the look sof him, his angualr face and his nice tight, ribs? You know, that fellow is so fucking skinny you can feel his ribs if you hug him, serously. 

Draco hooovered over his daddy wanna be. “Damn, I gots khicccups.” No. That’s not what he said. “He said, “He is the most wonderful man in thworld and enve though he wasnted to shag y9our mom, he didn’t and let your dad do it because he was a nice guy – see where it sgot him? “

Herminone anooded. “I agree with Draoco, he’s the most competent teachwer arouned, and that’s saying somehitnhgn, cause you dknow Dumbuludore, he was a cagging dold meddler and he rprpoobbely touched youngt pulpit boys in their no – no place,loike thiose Muggle priests.” Hail MARY full of adsGrace, the loRed is whith thieee.... Idon’t know the Lantin. I Shoudl,. I Like latin.

I can’t stop these sdamn hiccups. The screenkeeeps moving. LOLLLLL.

So there Snae was, layid out lik ehe weas on his funneral pyer, you know, like the Norese gods and all their ilke? But ther ewe he was, surround ed by flinging snowoballs – not the balls on the lower part of male anatomy, or like that say over there in the big green UK, BOOOLLIOCKS, or is that twig and berries? NUTS!

So ther eere he was, laid out like he was dead in the freshhereekking shack. But he wasnt’d. Dead like the dead they thought he was when they left ass there, beleeding out . it was whorrrible, al lthat blood... I cried. Seriousl.y. 

But, there he was... and since hwe was lknockered upside the head, he really only had Draco to keep care of him, since Harry sieeemed bound and edetermine d to keep hims enesless. Damn hicciups. SO Draco levitated his faorvorite professor and said, “Granger, wanna helpe me to to his office.?” 

She llooked coyly at her nemeisissss. “Oh yes, I can help.” WHAT kinda of helo p do you watn?”

Levitating his uncle... wait, his godfather, he kept going and led them away from the “KIDS” on the snowefield. “I say the kinda kelp you can give is of the healing kinda>”

You said, “kinda three times... no, two>’ 

“I said it twice.” He levitated the headmaster up the dsatirs with Hermione following him, staring at his butt. Uhm, arese. Ass. Wahtever. I was trying to be British, even thought I am Amreican.

So they levitated the headmaster up the stairs an aorund the river bend, like pochantas, but it wasn’st her because she was in disdney... He was still out cold, so they laid him on the floor near his dedsk. Once they did, Draco turned to Hermione, smiling that damn sexy smile.

“Granger, you look good enoug h to fuck, but you’re a mudlslut mblood, so all you’ll be is a mistteress, not a wife or a lover. Wanna fuck in front of the unlce sevvy?” Draco asked, appracohging like he was the sex god that Slucius was. Like h’ed ev er bee that good. HAH!

But she was hard up and since Ronw ouldn’t fuck her, she took him up onj his offer. “Yeah, right here ? Right now?:”

Draco looked at his goodfather and noticed that his left eyes was twitching, knowing he was awake. “Oh yeah, right here in front of thall the previous head masters and god.”

“M’kay, I’m ocold and it will warm me up.” She started taking off my coat. Not my coat, her coat.

He didn’at care what she looke dlike, but he saw that sSnape was practicatlly kdrooling with lust when he looked at her naked flaesh, all but waint gto doue the deed himself.

“Come sit on my lap, “Draco purred like a big jungle cat. HUYYYUUM>!

Sheeding her slcothes, she promptely sat on his obvious errection and sighed in relifeee.f. 

Snape groaned and wished it was him she was sitting on. HE was such a pervy bastard, but I’d do him in a heart beat, because I’m such al owly animal. 

Up and down hEMrione rose and descenedinged, fulfilleing her, Draco’s and Snapeds deesires, because I said so. Draco grabbed her hips and tried direction the flow of their cooupling, but Snapes said, “FASTER! I WANT TO COME!”

She turned around and smiled at him at that ppoint, and road the blond god in front of her faster so her former paotions master could cum all over himself, caoz she really thought that was hot! 

“Come touchce me, Severus,” she purerd, arching her back.

Luciud enough, he crawled to where the coupled wrere cooupoling and touched her arse/ass. “Such beautiflul flesh, I want to bite it!”

Then do it, “S he cried.!

He sanke his teeth in and it coauzexsd her to scream, tighting around Draco’s lengthn, making him cum.

Both younger bpeople panted and waited until Severus grabbed Herimone and sank his own erection into her pulsing quim (I like that word, it’s so tasteful). He pushed her up and downs severual times whiel she licked the mess from Draco’s prick, gruntintg the entire time. 

When her sheathe b egan to vibrate, she pulled him with her into another orgasm. WOO HOO! Draco and Severus in one go! *does happy dance*

So she looked over her shoulder and smile d at the man who survived. “Two are defintely better tahns one.”


	4. New Years Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Celebrating New Years in this rendition of inebriated penmanship, featuring Lucius, Snape and Hermione... I think in some bizarre triad? HAPPY 2014!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I started out somewhat sober and then ended up licking rubber duckies by the end. Don't ask. And don't ask me to spell my screen name correctly when I'm three sheets to the wind - I wrote Rovertemptress once and some person who shall not be named will never let me live it down. *coughs*

**Title:** Memorable Kiss  
 **Author:** Rivertempset  
 **I am of legal drinking age in my region: in my region:** (yes/no) Heell yes!  
 **Pairing(s)/Characters:** luicius. Hermione. Snape. I think? I can’t rememberg  
 **Challenge:** Kiss at midgnith  
 **Summary:** (can be very brief/basic) Lucuis wants to be good. Really her does. But Hermions’ ass makes that difficutl.  
 **Rating/Warnings:** R?  
 **Word count:** 501  
 **Author's Notes:** (if any) OH dear god, I don’t even know what stheste hell I wrote. I gots batshit awatcsted at the end.

 

 

I t was almost midnight on nEw yares eve. 

Oh shit. I don’t know who I’m writing about. Fuxk. Who should I spcik?

Harry?  
Snapw4e?  
HErmoine?  
Lunsa.

Dr. who?  
Dracula?  
Shit… too many 

One of the waeZSley? Eeny Meeny miny moe.  
MERLING? Daman it.

OHwait, I know!

It was nearing mdignight at the anal Malfoy Newa Years even ball. Lucius was deteternmined to be a good man this night, if nothing else. Well, that snand get royally shagged by any womant that would have him. Narcissa refusted to put out anymore, so Lucius got it where he could, which included this left hand… or Draco’s right nhand. EWWW INCEST! K, not going there, thought I think it s so fucking hot. 

He glacnesd around the room and saw that Mudblood granger leaning over the balcony, her areste sticking up in the ari. MMMMMM plump arse. He tipedpted outside and grabbed her hips and pressed his erection right between her earaser cheeks. 

“MMRS maldfoy?” 

“Don’t’ say a word gRTanger.. I’m going to fukc up over the balcony..”

But I sdon’t…”

“SHUUSH. Keep your trap shut.” H epulled up her skirt and ripped off her knickers. He lined upt his hard pensi and slid home just as the gong on teht clock strucked 123. He pumped in and out on aezch stroke, mkaign them both scaream in completeion just ast the last gonge slunded. 

Slidign out of her, he pulle dup Granger turned her around and gkissed her on the rfirst tday of the new year. Hwneh he pulled back to slook at her, there was a thounderous applaouse from below.   
“What eht devil!?  
“  
He looked oover the balcnony and there stood a laretege crowd rbinging in the fnew year.

“I ditred to tell you, Mr. Malfoy,’ Hermione said, straigntthen her skirts. :That there was a crowd below and they would see anything youdid.”

“Nice PEAcock, Lucius’ Snape yelled from below.

“You awourld know, Snape!” Lucius returned. 

“Yes, everytime I look at it , I gahvbe a fierce desire to be lonelsome.”

OCMe up nhere and ansay that to my fapce, Snape!

Hermione sjust rolled her eyes and shifted asway becasuse ther thights were wet and it was fbecoming umcomfrotable. 

Snape answeredr lUcius summons and mader his way to the pair., with his usual sneer. “you would heave better louck with a clown, Maofly. Then she could wtiwst your penis itno a poodles.”

Luciuse sniffed with disdain. “When you’r/e 90, you won’t look ahalf as good as me.:”

“I won’t care about esexd when I ;m 90. Sex at 90 is tlike trying to shoot pool with a rope,.”

Hemwionre laughed at the visiual. “Why arearne’t you visitng Narcissa, luCous? She is ahvefter all, your fwife>’

“May wife is a ssex object. I fI aske for sex, she objects. Marriage is no ta word… I tsna sentence.”  
Okay… I so I totally have a balusdrred fviison here. So I need to stop wit heht thought of theise thereee getting it on.

Damns.


	5. Here Comes Snapey Cottontail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this particular entry from like 3 Easter's ago. No, like 2011! OMG, 6 years ago! Wow. But, in the spirit of the scary Bunny Man, here you go. Also, the challenge was actually Easter Bunny and April Showers. That's not what I wrote, so forgive me.

**Title:** Here comces SNapey Cootontail  
**Author:** rivertempest  
**I am of legal drinking age in my region: in my region:** yes, but I gotta go pee now  
**Pairing(s)/Characters:** Snape/Harry... sorta?  
**Challenge:** Easterer Bunndy and Papal Showers  
**Summary:** (can be very brief/basic) Snapes shouls'ave never have agreed to do as Harry asdekd.  
**Rating/Warnings:** It started out PGT, but got R at the end?  
**Word count:** 353 - word says  
**Author's Notes:** (if any) This is all Lit's fault. That, and I bought some KRispy KREME donuts today and HOP was on the box cover. Donuts are gone now, but that damn bunny is not.

 

Pleasesd, Severus?  
Snape looked athte package Harry was holding. ‘NO.”  
“But you promised the skids.”  
Snape wavesxd his tumnnbler full of awhiskey at Haary. “I’m pised Potter. If you want me to bet the goddamnn Easter fucker, it’ll ahaven to be when sI’m sober.”  
HaARY PUSHED the stuff at Snape. “No, now. The egg hutn is now.”

“I can’t believe I Sagreed to do this stupid shit.” SNpae muttered, slippionga into the pants.  
“Dong’ forget the head,’ harry reminded.  
Snape grabbed his bits and tuggesd. “Heresr mthe head, you ass.”  
“AND TAHE BNASKET.”  
Harry aleft before SNaopse could throw the fbottle of booze at him.

*****************************************************************************

Daddy? Why does the easter bunny have blacka hair sticking from this neck?” ALbusre asked.  
Harry groswaned. “HOrmans. Albus. HORmans. HORMONES. He aite super carrots.”  
“Dasdddy? Wahy I sthe Easterbunny throwing eggs at everyhoen?”  
Harry shook his head. “Bea cuswe he’s getting odl and can’t ahide all the egs anymore.”  
“daddy? Why is the aEaster Bunny peein on mum’s flowers?”  
“WHAT?”

Harry ran over and grabbed Severus, causing athe man in the eSter bunny costume to turen and starting pissing on harry.  
“What are you doing?”  
Snape continued to pee ag agoldend shower on Potter. “You ewanted me to be hiere, Potter. Just remember theat.”

“Daddy? Why is thae Easter bunny calling you potter and peeing on you?”

“Because your father likes being a spissed on, lilte boy!” the Snape bunny yelled.  
“mommy! Daddy likes being pissed on byt ehEaster bunny!”  
“EWWWW, thi s isn’t chocolate,” cried lily when she opened a plastic egg.

“Stop!” Harry shouted, which earned him a mouthful of piss.

(why he was on his knewws infront of the snappey bunny, we’ll never know, but Clitteraryspell wanted a golden shower, and I’m all bout pleasinga that woman.) Not that way. The ESWother way.  
“NO! You wanted me here, Potter, I’ll statay here until i:”m done!”

“Carotta VERTO!” Ginny shouterd, pointing her wands at Snape’s dick.  
Suddently, SNope was holding a HUGE ass carrot at his cock.

And because Snape has a carrot for a dick now, Potter munches on it with Snapes ranch sauce.


	6. Bridezilla

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My last and final FWF offering from June 2012. My poor body just didn't know what to do with itself anymore, so I had to stop. *sad, ugly sobbing* So enjoy the drunken fruits of my labor. And remember, I was completely wasted... on what, I have no idea, but apparently it produced ass flames.

**Title:** Bridezilla  
 **Author:** Me  
 **I am of legal drinking age in my region: in my region:** (yes/no) The answer to life. The geeky yes  
 **Pairing(s)/Characters:** Harry with... SURPRISE!  
 **Challenge:** June BRide and a hint of shcocools out  
 **Summary:** Harry is gettging married. But not to he thinks.  
 **Rating/Warnings:** r? Like I have a clue  
 **Word count:** over 800 words. I think  
 **Author's Notes:** (if any) Chipotle and alcohol do not mix, esepcaially when you get the 'burn yuour ass' red salsas

 

Are you sure this I sgoing to work Hermione?

She plucked a few hairs from the victim and dropped thema sint he bottle of steaming gooop. It smealled like sweatsocks, boy sweat, boy pits and boy ass. how do I know/ ? HEmrione told me so. Damn. something does smell around ehre. Ugh.

she handed it to the sperosn dressed in ag offhiwete, ecru4 eggwhite dress. Zocox this person weas toatlly not a virgine. they drank it. Buggling puss tsle erupted onj thsietr nose and tongue and haead and legs and OMG, the legs!Q the hair disappaireed like a bikinki wazx. 

NOW, got get yer man,”HEmrione told the person and shoved them down the isle.   
“I;’ll gett you for this HErmione, :” the person in the corner yelled. And your little pussy too!”

“Oh, shut up Ginnyu. You could ntoever statidfys Harry.” 

HErmione crossed her arsma and watched ast a person (you see how I’m keeping it super sekrit until the end? How’s that for plto?) to join her BFF in wedded fucking bliss. She couldn’t wait until the night to hear the scream.  
****  
The music was playimng. The birds were shitting on the crowd, and the chimpmunks were making obscene getstures with their little toes and big saggy balls. There sa picture somethens but I can’t fiend it. Use your imagineation.   
But Harry didn’t care. It was june, and He swwas getting marrie dto Minerva. Ginvera. GINEVRA. What kind of fucking name is that, anywahn? No wonsder I hated her guts. SO. Harry was smiling that doofy crack whore smile – you know the one wheret a he tire dto voervber up the fact aht he was shitfaced whiel filming his secemnes? LIke I ma now? He was thinking about all the sexxingy up hew eas going to do tot hat fire engine pussy of ginger ginny.

And there she was! Walking ato twowards him. But whay whas she sutmbemling? like she sas twisting her ankle for something. Oh well. Maybe shts e needaed a tdrink. Or 2 …. Or 10. It didn’t’;ematter. Once they awere bonded, the yeouls be together orwever, never to part in this life or next, forever and evern and ever like that damn acid trip scen in 2001 a space travesty. Harry? WHat are you doing, Harry? DON’T PULL THAT PLUG HARRY??? I’m gonna have too pull out your pubes one mnby one when you goto sleep if you pull that fcucking plug HARRY.  
OH@! The preiest – yes this was a cahtolic wedding, coz that shit follows you everywhere. Oh wait. Can’t do that. Damn. SOTPE PWHTHE CAORRTECT!@ ahem. SO. It was Timmothy leary doing the sceremony. Acid trip remendmer? Keep up, sheesh. And he was wlike, whoa…

DO you Harryball? I mean, look at her? SHes a fucking gigner! You got momma issues, dude. So, do you? She’;s got perfect breasets. Look ate em. LOOK AT HER GIVERS OF LIFE! YOU WANT TO SUCK THOSWE< DON”T YOU? 

Harry loolked at the stone Leary and nodeed. He indeed awanted to suck on those babies. NOt the babeies, theo tits. The babeis would suck onteh tits later. “I Do!”

‘Do you, wantever they hell your name is, want to marry this duschebag with mommy issues?”  
Ginny (or should I say the sGinny lookalike) took Harry’s hand whipered YES!

Boy… Ginny’s voice is awesomely deeply. Guess she had a ruough night, Harry thought. Coz we gotta know hArry’s thought process here or whe’ll never gtet ot he end.  
“I pronounce you hippie and love child. Kiss your lover and get the hell ouff moy farm.”

Harry lifeted the vail (ooo. Colorado!) and licked ginny’s face and then eventually foung his way to her mouth, coz he wasn’t that porfiecent in snogging. He’s been practicing on Ron, who kept slapping him so he would stop every few mintuet. Then he tried a watermelon, but he had to keep whiping his face and spitting out seeds. See how hopeless this kid its?

BUT! (and here it is…) The polygamy juice wore off rightr then and harry started kissing something taller. And harder. Woaho, thait swas like kissing ron! He opened his eyes amd ….

Wait for it.

STARED AT SEVERUS SNAPE! In a wedding dress that was wayyyy too small for his. Nose. the tightes strectched to cfover his ass, but they RIpped and shoeved his harry legs.

A startled gasp from the audience.

Harry meeped.   
Snape smile that wicked smile h esmiles when hary knows he sin toubrle and cant’ do a githin about it. You know, like Jafar tell ing Jasime how Snapelike he can be? He really does look like Snape. Tall, dark, badass. 

“We are bound forever to each other, Harry. yOu will never be quit of me. I will follow you in death, life, rebirth, sealpuppies, disneyworld, slums, beverly hills, pretty woman, and finally to the 8th level of Dante’s inferno. “

Harry just kept starting, Coz remember, he ‘s faking his scnene coz he’s shitfaced. “but I only had to got to the 2nd level. Why you drag me under, snape?”  
“Cuase I am ethe Deveil, harry , and the devil will always drag you under. And now I have all the time in the world since schools’ out.”  
“WHere ‘s Ginny?” Harry wined… and dined and ate CHEESE!  
“I tied her up!” HErmione yelled down the isle. AIsle. Opps.   
“You’re a bitch mione.   
THA”T”S why I did it, Harry – you keep calling me that fucking dorrible nick manem that only ron could when h e had ithis mouth full of food, the pig.   
“Whereass I have allaways calle dher an unbelieveable knowitall or Granger. At least I didn’t have my mouth full.” SNape siad on the sly.  
“I had my mouth full,” Hemrrhoid told them. 

“Shut up,’ snape snapped. *snorts*

And I’ve run out of steam at this point because I vacn’t feel my legs, that s important if I want to use the sloo.


End file.
